Wingman

I’m a good friend. I say this not from my own opinion of myself but from what people tell me. You kind of have to be a good friend to go through with what I’m about to tell you. Looking back on it, it was by far one of the best/worst things I have ever done. What do you expect though? I was drunk.



I was at a party and that night I had already decided I wouldn’t try to get laid that night, 30 rejections in a row will do that to you, and instead just try to enjoy myself. But a couple of drinks in my friend came over and pretty much put an end to that plan.



“Hey man, how yah do’ in?” my friend asked.



“Pretty good” I said. “It’s oddly enjoyable not having to make an ass out of yourself trying to get laid.



“At least for the time being, of course”



“Of course” We both chuckled and stood there for a minute while I nursed my beer.



“I need your help getting laid.” He said as if it were the most normal request in the world. Actually it was pretty surprising considering that as long as long as I had known this guy he had never needed help getting laid.



“Why?” I sighed



“Look I can’t do this myself this time. I need a wingman.”



“Look I’m enjoying myself. Why would I put an end to that just to get you laid?”



“Twenty Dollars.” He said and then brought out a crisp bill.



“Ok, then” I said as I snatched it out of his hand. Did I mention I was a greedy bastard? Well I am. “So what’s up?”



“See that girl over there?” I looked in the direction he was pointing, and saw the girl in question and she was really cute. I let out a low whistle to indicate this to my friend.



“Nice. So what do you need me for?”



“See her Boyfriend? I need you to distract him.” He said pointing in the same general direction where I saw the hulking mound of muscle and Douche-Baggery known as Chris Young. Yes I could use a fake name or no name at all but I really don’t care about tarnishing his “good name”. I had had a few unpleasant altercations with Young before, specifically a time he cock blocked me at a party for no reason other than the fact that he could. I also had it on good authority that he cheated on his then current girlfriend with that same girl. So needless to say I’m not the president of his fan club.



“Distract him how?”



“Man I don’t know, just distract him for a minute so I can make my move. Just wait for my signal” he said as he went to the opposite end of the room. I took a couple of minutes and decided what I would do. It would be…interesting to say the least. My friend gave me the signal and I slowly made my way over to them. I had a moment of disillusion however. If I went through with this wouldn’t I be a cock block? I was no fan of the guy but he had still gotten this girl fair and square, at least by his standards. And what about my friend, what did this say about him? In doing this wouldn’t we become what we hate? And then I thought…Who gives a shit! This guy was a dick and I might as well have some fun with him. So I started by acting a bit drunker than I was and practically yelling:



“HEY, HEY, I KNOW YOU!” Chris looked a little surprised that I was even talking to him.



“Yeah…What?” He growled



“I KNOW YOU” I said rather drunkenly, those Irish genes were finally paying off.



“Yeah I know we-“I cut him off before he could finish.



“YEAH WE MET AT THE STD CLINIC!”



“What?” Chris said, his eyes widening.



“YEAH, HOWS THAT CASE OF HERPES GOIN?”



“Look I don’t know what you’re talking about. You better stop fucking around dickhead!” He was getting angrier and looking at the girl who was discernibly upset by this.



“OH IS THIS THE GIRL YOU GOT IT FROM? YOU MUST BE BETHANY! NICE TO MEET YAH!” with that the girl gave Chris a look that can best be described as pure death.



“No” she said, “My name is Courtney”



“OH…WELL HOPE YOU WERE USING PROTECTION CAUSE IF YOU DIDN’T THAT WOULD SUCK! HERPES IS THAT ONE FRIEND THAT KEEPS COMING BACK! KINDA LIKE ME RIGHT! HAHAHAHAHA!” unfortunately I only got the word “OH” out before Chris giant fist came crashing into my face. Oddly enough this was the first time I ever got hit hard enough to result in my first black eye. You would think I would have gotten one before that but sometimes life surprises you. The beating went on for another minute or so before it was broken up. Not as bad as I had expected, but still enough to have me reeling for weeks to come.



The after effects of that whole thing were weird to say the least, almost like the closing credits of a bad college movie describing what happened to all parties involved.



My friend actually got with that girl at the party and there still going out oddly enough. It was a bit awkward having me explain it to her but at the end she was fine with it and even said I was a good friend for going to the plate for my friend.



Chris had trouble for months getting laid for the next couple of months after my little outburst. Even after I told people it was a joke they still didn’t believe that he didn’t have it. It took a full blown test that was then distributed around campus just to stop the rumors.



And as for me, I learned (on very rare occasions) A cock block could be used for the forces of good and not for evil…but still mostly for evil.