I’m a good friend. I say this not from my own opinion of myself but from what people tell me. You kind of have to be a good friend to go through with what I’m about to tell you. Looking back on it, it was by far one of the best/worst things I have ever done. What do you expect though? I was drunk.
I was at a party and that night I had already decided I wouldn’t try to get laid that night, 30 rejections in a row will do that to you, and instead just try to enjoy myself. But a couple of drinks in my friend came over and pretty much put an end to that plan.
“Hey man, how yah do’ in?” my friend asked.
“Pretty good” I said. “It’s oddly enjoyable not having to make an ass out of yourself trying to get laid.
“At least for the time being, of course”
“Of course” We both chuckled and stood there for a minute while I nursed my beer.
“I need your help getting laid.” He said as if it were the most normal request in the world. Actually it was pretty surprising considering that as long as long as I had known this guy he had never needed help getting laid.
“Why?” I sighed
“Look I can’t do this myself this time. I need a wingman.”
“Look I’m enjoying myself. Why would I put an end to that just to get you laid?”
“Twenty Dollars.” He said and then brought out a crisp bill.
“Ok, then” I said as I snatched it out of his hand. Did I mention I was a greedy bastard? Well I am. “So what’s up?”
“See that girl over there?” I looked in the direction he was pointing, and saw the girl in question and she was really cute. I let out a low whistle to indicate this to my friend.
“Nice. So what do you need me for?”
“See her Boyfriend? I need you to distract him.” He said pointing in the same general direction where I saw the hulking mound of muscle and Douche-Baggery known as Chris Young. Yes I could use a fake name or no name at all but I really don’t care about tarnishing his “good name”. I had had a few unpleasant altercations with Young before, specifically a time he cock blocked me at a party for no reason other than the fact that he could. I also had it on good authority that he cheated on his then current girlfriend with that same girl. So needless to say I’m not the president of his fan club.
“Distract him how?”
“Man I don’t know, just distract him for a minute so I can make my move. Just wait for my signal” he said as he went to the opposite end of the room. I took a couple of minutes and decided what I would do. It would be…interesting to say the least. My friend gave me the signal and I slowly made my way over to them. I had a moment of disillusion however. If I went through with this wouldn’t I be a cock block? I was no fan of the guy but he had still gotten this girl fair and square, at least by his standards. And what about my friend, what did this say about him? In doing this wouldn’t we become what we hate? And then I thought…Who gives a shit! This guy was a dick and I might as well have some fun with him. So I started by acting a bit drunker than I was and practically yelling:
“HEY, HEY, I KNOW YOU!” Chris looked a little surprised that I was even talking to him.
“Yeah…What?” He growled
“I KNOW YOU” I said rather drunkenly, those Irish genes were finally paying off.
“Yeah I know we-“I cut him off before he could finish.
“YEAH WE MET AT THE STD CLINIC!”
“What?” Chris said, his eyes widening.
“YEAH, HOWS THAT CASE OF HERPES GOIN?”
“Look I don’t know what you’re talking about. You better stop fucking around dickhead!” He was getting angrier and looking at the girl who was discernibly upset by this.
“OH IS THIS THE GIRL YOU GOT IT FROM? YOU MUST BE BETHANY! NICE TO MEET YAH!” with that the girl gave Chris a look that can best be described as pure death.
“No” she said, “My name is Courtney”
“OH…WELL HOPE YOU WERE USING PROTECTION CAUSE IF YOU DIDN’T THAT WOULD SUCK! HERPES IS THAT ONE FRIEND THAT KEEPS COMING BACK! KINDA LIKE ME RIGHT! HAHAHAHAHA!” unfortunately I only got the word “OH” out before Chris giant fist came crashing into my face. Oddly enough this was the first time I ever got hit hard enough to result in my first black eye. You would think I would have gotten one before that but sometimes life surprises you. The beating went on for another minute or so before it was broken up. Not as bad as I had expected, but still enough to have me reeling for weeks to come.
The after effects of that whole thing were weird to say the least, almost like the closing credits of a bad college movie describing what happened to all parties involved.
My friend actually got with that girl at the party and there still going out oddly enough. It was a bit awkward having me explain it to her but at the end she was fine with it and even said I was a good friend for going to the plate for my friend.
Chris had trouble for months getting laid for the next couple of months after my little outburst. Even after I told people it was a joke they still didn’t believe that he didn’t have it. It took a full blown test that was then distributed around campus just to stop the rumors.
And as for me, I learned (on very rare occasions) A cock block could be used for the forces of good and not for evil…but still mostly for evil.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Senioritis: The Seven Month Block
Senior year is supposed to be a time of transition. You've finally earned the right to go out to lunch, you've got a girlfriend maybe, it should be a great time. However despite the fact that I had a car, a girlfriend and senior out to lunch I wasn't having sex. You'd think with the fact that my girlfriend and I were having sex we would have had daily afternoon delight going. You would be wrong. A close friend of mine also happened to have a car and lunch at the same time, he hated "eating alone" and would make sure to show up every day at the same time. Even on days when school was canceled and I should have the whole day for sweet sweet lovin' he would show up to 'hang out.' He was reliable as the setting sun, putting an early twilight on my golden days of nooky.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Tiny Tantrums
I was at a party with a pushy, Italian friend of mine. We started talking to these three girls. Two were pretty good looking, and one was a fat midget. I don't know what constitutes an actual midget, but I'd say she was 4'9" or under. She didn't have whatever genetic disorder that causes dwarfism, but she was really short and chubby. We chatted them up, and my friend and I convinced these girls to come back to my townhouse.
On the way there, one of the girls gets on the phone with some guy she is planning to meet and leaves us. Also, once the second attractive girl emerged from the darkness of the party's basement, it became apparent that she wasn't really all that attractive. So we are left with a somewhat decent girl, and a midget.
We got back to the house, and it turns out the somewhat decent girl has a boyfriend. This stopped neither of us from pursuing her. It was a pretty awkward scene. My friend started trying to get the two girls to make out. At one point he pointed to one girl and said, "I know you're dying to fuck," then pointed to the other and said, "and you're dyin' to suck dick." You've never really seen him in action, and were just kind of taken back by it. My friend's Italian charm wins her over, and despite the fact she has a boyfriend, she agrees to go back to my friend's room.
So my friend brings the girl back to his house, leaving me alone with the midget. We started talking, and the topic came up of a girl that I had screwed up my chances with a few days prior. I am whining, and this makes her begin to want me. She tries to console me by hugging me, but holds on too long. I knew what she was getting at, so I tell her that I have to get to bed. She follows me, and gets into bed with me. In bed she gets really close, and starts asking me terrible questions, leading me to tell the two biggest lies of my life. ("Yeah, I think you're pretty", and "Of course I would talk to you again after tonight.") Then she started making her move. She goes into kiss me, and I pull away after a second. I tell her that I don't think we should do this, but she persists and begins to stroke my penis. The grim reality that I was going to hook up with this girl sets in. It was during this that the fiercest [b]cock-block[/b] of my lifetime was set into motion. Her cellphone rings, and she picks it up. It is her somewhat decent friend.
"COME BACK TO THE DORM NOW!!! MIKE (my Italian bro) IS A FUCKING SCUMBAG!! HE TRIED TO HOOK UP WITH ME!!! THE KID YOU'RE WITH IS A SCUMBAG TOO!! COME HOME NOW!!"
The midget hangs up, and starts complaining how her friend always does this. I use this as a opportunity to delay her advances. I act like I am offended that my friend was called a scumbag, and start ragging on her friend. This doesn't really work, and she starts kissing me again. Her phone rings like eleven times, but the midget ignores it.
About fifteen minutes after the phone-call, I started to hear loud, feminine voices outside my window. I look out the window, and there are five girls screaming different variations of, GET THE FUCK OUT HERE NOW! HE'S AN ASSHOLE!" It was a truly beautiful moment. I felt like I was Aragorn looking to the East and seeing Gandalf while in the last throes of defending Helm's Deep.
I then started to hear the voices in my house. Part of me was pissed off that these girls had broken into my house, but I was pretty psyched, and it was just too hilarious. During this, one of my roommates comes home with a girl. He gets let into the house by one of these girls, and is really confused. Pandemonium ensues. I am upstairs with the midget, and she is freaking out. I leave my room to see what the hell was going on, and I see the gang of girls at the bottom of the stairs in my living room. They were horribly trashy, ghetto bitches who looked like they wanted to kick my ass, and likely could. I tell them that I am sorry about my friend, and that I had no bad intentions. I go back into my room, and tell the midget that she should leave. She finally leaves my room, and starts arguing with her friends.
As her friends are yelling up the stairs for her to come down, she retorts with, "A girl has needs, you know!", which was one of the funniest things I've ever heard. Despite the hilarity of the whole situation, at this point I am fed up with it and afraid of where it will escalate to, and tell the midget, "Sorry, but you have to go. I can't deal with this." She complies.
On the way there, one of the girls gets on the phone with some guy she is planning to meet and leaves us. Also, once the second attractive girl emerged from the darkness of the party's basement, it became apparent that she wasn't really all that attractive. So we are left with a somewhat decent girl, and a midget.
We got back to the house, and it turns out the somewhat decent girl has a boyfriend. This stopped neither of us from pursuing her. It was a pretty awkward scene. My friend started trying to get the two girls to make out. At one point he pointed to one girl and said, "I know you're dying to fuck," then pointed to the other and said, "and you're dyin' to suck dick." You've never really seen him in action, and were just kind of taken back by it. My friend's Italian charm wins her over, and despite the fact she has a boyfriend, she agrees to go back to my friend's room.
So my friend brings the girl back to his house, leaving me alone with the midget. We started talking, and the topic came up of a girl that I had screwed up my chances with a few days prior. I am whining, and this makes her begin to want me. She tries to console me by hugging me, but holds on too long. I knew what she was getting at, so I tell her that I have to get to bed. She follows me, and gets into bed with me. In bed she gets really close, and starts asking me terrible questions, leading me to tell the two biggest lies of my life. ("Yeah, I think you're pretty", and "Of course I would talk to you again after tonight.") Then she started making her move. She goes into kiss me, and I pull away after a second. I tell her that I don't think we should do this, but she persists and begins to stroke my penis. The grim reality that I was going to hook up with this girl sets in. It was during this that the fiercest [b]cock-block[/b] of my lifetime was set into motion. Her cellphone rings, and she picks it up. It is her somewhat decent friend.
"COME BACK TO THE DORM NOW!!! MIKE (my Italian bro) IS A FUCKING SCUMBAG!! HE TRIED TO HOOK UP WITH ME!!! THE KID YOU'RE WITH IS A SCUMBAG TOO!! COME HOME NOW!!"
The midget hangs up, and starts complaining how her friend always does this. I use this as a opportunity to delay her advances. I act like I am offended that my friend was called a scumbag, and start ragging on her friend. This doesn't really work, and she starts kissing me again. Her phone rings like eleven times, but the midget ignores it.
About fifteen minutes after the phone-call, I started to hear loud, feminine voices outside my window. I look out the window, and there are five girls screaming different variations of, GET THE FUCK OUT HERE NOW! HE'S AN ASSHOLE!" It was a truly beautiful moment. I felt like I was Aragorn looking to the East and seeing Gandalf while in the last throes of defending Helm's Deep.
I then started to hear the voices in my house. Part of me was pissed off that these girls had broken into my house, but I was pretty psyched, and it was just too hilarious. During this, one of my roommates comes home with a girl. He gets let into the house by one of these girls, and is really confused. Pandemonium ensues. I am upstairs with the midget, and she is freaking out. I leave my room to see what the hell was going on, and I see the gang of girls at the bottom of the stairs in my living room. They were horribly trashy, ghetto bitches who looked like they wanted to kick my ass, and likely could. I tell them that I am sorry about my friend, and that I had no bad intentions. I go back into my room, and tell the midget that she should leave. She finally leaves my room, and starts arguing with her friends.
As her friends are yelling up the stairs for her to come down, she retorts with, "A girl has needs, you know!", which was one of the funniest things I've ever heard. Despite the hilarity of the whole situation, at this point I am fed up with it and afraid of where it will escalate to, and tell the midget, "Sorry, but you have to go. I can't deal with this." She complies.
Mosh Fit
Generally, when I attend a punk show, I go expecting to meet new people yes, usually there's fun, frolicking, punching and hackey sack between sets or smoking outside and looking like you're too cool to actually be at the show to really move you towards meeting new people. I really never plan on hooking up with anyone though. Maybe it's because I'm one of the few people who doesn't drink, or maybe it's because while at a show in a church once I watched as a good friends little sister gave head to another friend on a balcony while a crowd formed below and cheered the spectacle. But I just never really thought about doing it.
As I stood at the rim of the circle pit, waiting to throw myself in and be pushed along like one of those fish school tubes at the aquarium by the huge walls of flesh that had become permanent fixtures inside the pit I felt a tap on my back. Expecting it to either be a terrifying bouncer who I would have performed some slight against and must appease or a friend of mine wanting to jump in with me I turned around with a big smile and a jaunty "Hey" only to set eyes on a girl I had never met before. She told me she really liked my jacket, which I found surprising as the only adornments on mine are a warning sticker about fires in the elevator stolen from a school elevator of all places.
Recovering from my confusion at a girl being interested in anything about me, even if it was just my clothes, we quickly went somewhere else to talk. Don't ask me about what, suffice it to say I did something right and we were promptly hooking up on the pool tables normally inhabitated by shady black men but abandoned to the cacophony of sound and snotty teens in leather tonight. Just as plans to visit the bathroom together were under way so as to complete this night of sleazy cheap teen love her friends rolled up. They swarmed the area, giving me the dirtiest looks imaginable, and complaining to their friend that they were all supposed to use the bathroom together (I had thought this phenomenon was reserved to college house parties) with a sigh of annoyance she popped off the table, said she would be back in a minute, to which her friend looked at me again with loathing and said "don't count on it" and they disappeared and apparently left the show as I did not see them again after that, it was a pretty smal venue. Right after she left one of the staff came over and told me I needed to not use their pool tables for any sorts of hijinks other than swindling people from money by hitting balls with sticks. Ignoring all gigolo innuendo I promised to keep that in mind. At least that dude wasn't a cock block.
As I stood at the rim of the circle pit, waiting to throw myself in and be pushed along like one of those fish school tubes at the aquarium by the huge walls of flesh that had become permanent fixtures inside the pit I felt a tap on my back. Expecting it to either be a terrifying bouncer who I would have performed some slight against and must appease or a friend of mine wanting to jump in with me I turned around with a big smile and a jaunty "Hey" only to set eyes on a girl I had never met before. She told me she really liked my jacket, which I found surprising as the only adornments on mine are a warning sticker about fires in the elevator stolen from a school elevator of all places.
Recovering from my confusion at a girl being interested in anything about me, even if it was just my clothes, we quickly went somewhere else to talk. Don't ask me about what, suffice it to say I did something right and we were promptly hooking up on the pool tables normally inhabitated by shady black men but abandoned to the cacophony of sound and snotty teens in leather tonight. Just as plans to visit the bathroom together were under way so as to complete this night of sleazy cheap teen love her friends rolled up. They swarmed the area, giving me the dirtiest looks imaginable, and complaining to their friend that they were all supposed to use the bathroom together (I had thought this phenomenon was reserved to college house parties) with a sigh of annoyance she popped off the table, said she would be back in a minute, to which her friend looked at me again with loathing and said "don't count on it" and they disappeared and apparently left the show as I did not see them again after that, it was a pretty smal venue. Right after she left one of the staff came over and told me I needed to not use their pool tables for any sorts of hijinks other than swindling people from money by hitting balls with sticks. Ignoring all gigolo innuendo I promised to keep that in mind. At least that dude wasn't a cock block.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Raving Mad
It was my freshmen year of college and I happened to have an upper classmen friend I knew from high school with a house off campus. This seemed like the perfect recipe for cool times and meeting nice older girls to me. Little did I know what horrors would await me in that house. Half way through my first semester I had learned that his place was actually fairly nerdy, and while good for say a round of Mario Kart, it was not so good for meeting girls or drinking. That's why I was surprised when one day out of the blue he called me to ask me to help him gather "bumpin" techno music and flashing lights so that he could throw a rave in his basement. Most of my schools parties to that point had been unthemed, uninteresting keggers, lots of standing in smokey rooms waiting to drink, not much else. So I was excited and threw myself into this work with gusto.
Upon arriving at the party I was dismayed to learn I was expected to pay despite the fact that I'd known and hung out with the party thrower for years beforehand. However, a ray of hope emerged, two other friends from home were working the door. Not having seen any of these three in some time I decided to spend time out front at the door catching up. Soon I realized why they didn't mind being stuck doing drudge work at a party. The money from the door funded us purchasing drinks downstairs. As I became steadily drunker I began to aquaint myself with one of my friends friends from school.
As we danced this aquaintence quickly moved from first base, to second, which went unnoticed for quite some time as the fog machines were working on over time and most of the dancing crowd was engrossed in the same activity. There was the occasional bro popping up like some sort of popped collar wearing whack-a-mole with such endearing phrases as "YEAH GET DEM TITTIES!" "YOU GONNA RAPE THE SHIT OUT HER!" and "HELL YEAH BRO!!!!" But nothing to really deter a good make out and maybe more. Until the host who I had barely seen for most of the night showed up. Myself and the girl had moved to a bench upstairs when out of nowhere he popped up and started chatting with her as she was on my lap. He got called away to care for one of his roommates who had just tripped and fallen. I took this as a good opportunity to use the bathroom without him being able to muscle in. Unfortunately I misjudged his ability to help his roommate, upon leaving the bathroom I discovered my other three friends looking disconcerted and the girl missing. When asked what happened it was revealed that he our host had lured her off to his room, locked the door abd turned off his phone.
He in fact is well known for this style of "mack." It's a style of cock blockery similar to kill ganking in video games where one waits until someone has almost vanquished a foe on their own, then sweeps in and steals the kill out from under them. He was visiting me at my own house on another occassion where he walked in on myself and a girl both very drunk on my stairs enjoying one another. He immidiatly came up the stairs, introduced himself to her and started trying to get her to come over to his place with him. Luckily his halloween costume scared more than attracted her. But he tried and that's what mattered. Dude is a total cock block.
Upon arriving at the party I was dismayed to learn I was expected to pay despite the fact that I'd known and hung out with the party thrower for years beforehand. However, a ray of hope emerged, two other friends from home were working the door. Not having seen any of these three in some time I decided to spend time out front at the door catching up. Soon I realized why they didn't mind being stuck doing drudge work at a party. The money from the door funded us purchasing drinks downstairs. As I became steadily drunker I began to aquaint myself with one of my friends friends from school.
As we danced this aquaintence quickly moved from first base, to second, which went unnoticed for quite some time as the fog machines were working on over time and most of the dancing crowd was engrossed in the same activity. There was the occasional bro popping up like some sort of popped collar wearing whack-a-mole with such endearing phrases as "YEAH GET DEM TITTIES!" "YOU GONNA RAPE THE SHIT OUT HER!" and "HELL YEAH BRO!!!!" But nothing to really deter a good make out and maybe more. Until the host who I had barely seen for most of the night showed up. Myself and the girl had moved to a bench upstairs when out of nowhere he popped up and started chatting with her as she was on my lap. He got called away to care for one of his roommates who had just tripped and fallen. I took this as a good opportunity to use the bathroom without him being able to muscle in. Unfortunately I misjudged his ability to help his roommate, upon leaving the bathroom I discovered my other three friends looking disconcerted and the girl missing. When asked what happened it was revealed that he our host had lured her off to his room, locked the door abd turned off his phone.
He in fact is well known for this style of "mack." It's a style of cock blockery similar to kill ganking in video games where one waits until someone has almost vanquished a foe on their own, then sweeps in and steals the kill out from under them. He was visiting me at my own house on another occassion where he walked in on myself and a girl both very drunk on my stairs enjoying one another. He immidiatly came up the stairs, introduced himself to her and started trying to get her to come over to his place with him. Luckily his halloween costume scared more than attracted her. But he tried and that's what mattered. Dude is a total cock block.
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