Tiny Tantrums

I was at a party with a pushy, Italian friend of mine. We started talking to these three girls. Two were pretty good looking, and one was a fat midget. I don't know what constitutes an actual midget, but I'd say she was 4'9" or under. She didn't have whatever genetic disorder that causes dwarfism, but she was really short and chubby. We chatted them up, and my friend and I convinced these girls to come back to my townhouse.

On the way there, one of the girls gets on the phone with some guy she is planning to meet and leaves us. Also, once the second attractive girl emerged from the darkness of the party's basement, it became apparent that she wasn't really all that attractive. So we are left with a somewhat decent girl, and a midget.

We got back to the house, and it turns out the somewhat decent girl has a boyfriend. This stopped neither of us from pursuing her. It was a pretty awkward scene. My friend started trying to get the two girls to make out. At one point he pointed to one girl and said, "I know you're dying to fuck," then pointed to the other and said, "and you're dyin' to suck dick." You've never really seen him in action, and were just kind of taken back by it. My friend's Italian charm wins her over, and despite the fact she has a boyfriend, she agrees to go back to my friend's room.

So my friend brings the girl back to his house, leaving me alone with the midget. We started talking, and the topic came up of a girl that I had screwed up my chances with a few days prior. I am whining, and this makes her begin to want me. She tries to console me by hugging me, but holds on too long. I knew what she was getting at, so I tell her that I have to get to bed. She follows me, and gets into bed with me. In bed she gets really close, and starts asking me terrible questions, leading me to tell the two biggest lies of my life. ("Yeah, I think you're pretty", and "Of course I would talk to you again after tonight.") Then she started making her move. She goes into kiss me, and I pull away after a second. I tell her that I don't think we should do this, but she persists and begins to stroke my penis. The grim reality that I was going to hook up with this girl sets in. It was during this that the fiercest [b]cock-block[/b] of my lifetime was set into motion. Her cellphone rings, and she picks it up. It is her somewhat decent friend.

"COME BACK TO THE DORM NOW!!! MIKE (my Italian bro) IS A FUCKING SCUMBAG!! HE TRIED TO HOOK UP WITH ME!!! THE KID YOU'RE WITH IS A SCUMBAG TOO!! COME HOME NOW!!"

The midget hangs up, and starts complaining how her friend always does this. I use this as a opportunity to delay her advances. I act like I am offended that my friend was called a scumbag, and start ragging on her friend. This doesn't really work, and she starts kissing me again. Her phone rings like eleven times, but the midget ignores it.

About fifteen minutes after the phone-call, I started to hear loud, feminine voices outside my window. I look out the window, and there are five girls screaming different variations of, GET THE FUCK OUT HERE NOW! HE'S AN ASSHOLE!" It was a truly beautiful moment. I felt like I was Aragorn looking to the East and seeing Gandalf while in the last throes of defending Helm's Deep.

I then started to hear the voices in my house. Part of me was pissed off that these girls had broken into my house, but I was pretty psyched, and it was just too hilarious. During this, one of my roommates comes home with a girl. He gets let into the house by one of these girls, and is really confused. Pandemonium ensues. I am upstairs with the midget, and she is freaking out. I leave my room to see what the hell was going on, and I see the gang of girls at the bottom of the stairs in my living room. They were horribly trashy, ghetto bitches who looked like they wanted to kick my ass, and likely could. I tell them that I am sorry about my friend, and that I had no bad intentions. I go back into my room, and tell the midget that she should leave. She finally leaves my room, and starts arguing with her friends.

As her friends are yelling up the stairs for her to come down, she retorts with, "A girl has needs, you know!", which was one of the funniest things I've ever heard. Despite the hilarity of the whole situation, at this point I am fed up with it and afraid of where it will escalate to, and tell the midget, "Sorry, but you have to go. I can't deal with this." She complies.